SO THE OTHER DAY Continued by Duncan Kilonzo

Ako wapi Suzie!!?” the giant dude grunted again, in a much harsher and deeper tone, his eyes all red in anger, his big arms hanging out on each side, moving up and down with every deep angered breathe he’s taking, fists clutched in a tight fist ready to pounce on the helpless and confused creature looking back up at him. I am trying to escape the angered man, by moving, scratch that, crawling backwards away from him, but damn this tiny room and in no time my back is against the wall, cornered. All this time I am just speechless, you know one of those moments your whole life flashes before your eyes, well this was one of them. With the guy now too close to me, hovering over, I could smell his stench of sweat and unwashed socks. “Si-sijui ako wapi bana, I swear...” I mutter in response, shaken to the core. This answer clearly doesn’t go well with him and so he decides to use his might to beat the answer out of me. He swings his right fist aimed squarely for my jaw, that’s now trembling in fright, but the karate lessons I had learnt from watching too many Jackie Chan movies, interpreted casually by DJ Afro finally pay off. I duck my head just in time for him to miss and punch the wall behind, leaving a slight dent in its wake (deposit itaishia apo). So I seize this moment of weakness and quickly slide through his legs, chobo style and run out through the open door and onto the streets outside running for dear life. As my favorite DJ, DJ Afro always says, Cheki maneno…
Barefoot, with only a t-shirt na a pair of khaki shorts, I run through the streets and alleys, passing my usual mama mboga, C.K the mutura guy, ule msee wa mahindi choma and even Macharia, whose debt ya simu I still owe. He tries to stop me to ask for the same but I have more pressing matters at hand. I am running from a guy whom I don’t even know and whose issue with me is still uncertain, ni kama wale students wa UoN walishikwa na GSU wakisomea ADD (like my class rep) So anyway I rush on, and if any of you lives in Ngara, you can attest to the bad state of roads there, and so I end up stepping on some sewage water on my way as I maneuver a sharp corner headed straight towards Greezy’s place. He surely might have answers to these mashida I am having. As usual Wafula the watchman has issues with me, now especially since nakaa kama chokora, with my smelly bare feet, sweaty body and skimpy dressing, this will be really hard to explain to him. But it’s only after a really long argument and a promise that I’ll bring him some chai and ugali later on that he finally lets me through. I quickly head on to Greezy’s door and knock on it repeatedly and loud enough to wake up people from the next plot. This goes on for like 20 seconds before he finally, with a lazy eye, opens the door and without even thinking, I get in with my smelly feet.
Knowing the questions he is going to ask next, I hurriedly paraphrase the whole Suzie situation to him, all this while he’s opening the windows, and flapping the door to let out the odor that I’ve left in my trail. He however stops the flapping when I alert him about the angry giant guy part, at which point he hurriedly slums the door shut. “Msee!!!, Uyo ni Onyi, chali ya Suzie”, he says in a high-pitched voice of surprise. So all this while I had been involved in a confusing love triangle and I didn’t even know about it. This Onyi fella must have thought that I had tried to steal his girl from him all this while. It is then that it hits me…the reason why no member of team Mafisi had tried to nyemelea her at the party was because they were scared of the beast, na ndio maana unaskiaga usione simba amenyeshewa ukadhani ni paka. Apparently everyone at the party saw me leaving with her, and so assumed that I took her to my place and “got lucky”, especially since we were both smiling on our way out. Greezy now seems to get a good view of what actually happened after my quick narration, nodding his head all through, though a bit dazed from the offal smell that’s now everywhere. But like every other situation, I falsely promise to clean up later, and it is while I am trying to do this that we hear noises at the main gate. Peering out, we find an angry Onyi heading up the stairs, eyes squarely set at Greezy’s place, kwisha sisi.
My DJ Afro Jackie Chan techniques are no match this time and in no time Onyi breaks down the door, grabs us both by the neck and takes out outside by the balcony. Out of air and barely breathing, I think he’s done with us sasa but he’s not even halfway there. Now if you’re a wrestling or goat-eating fan then you can understand the next part. He expertly, and with a lot of brute grabs us by the legs simultaneously and hangs us upside down on the outer side of the balcony rails kama zile mbuzi za ushago saa ya Christmas. Your guess is as good as mine, this obviously causes a lot of commotion in the plot and everyone is outside of their rooms to stare at the unfolding drama, some even having their phones out, snapping the moment and taking videos to later share as memes and funny clips. But there’s nothing funny with hanging upside down, on the third floor, looking down at the concrete floor below, trembling to your core.” Si mniambie penye Suzie ako saa hii ama niwaachilie right now!” he threatens to let us go, something that brings back some flashes of my life and how I have achieved so little, I mean ata bado sijamaliza ile strungi nliacha home, bado I haven’t run for presidency, bado siajtoa ngoma na Ken Wa Maria, achieved so little. It’s while I am having this small self-pity party that the unexpected happens and makes Onyi almost let go.
My vision is a bit blurry and upside down, but I can spot Suzie at the main gate, waving at Onyi in a desperate cry for mercy, begging him to not let us go. For the first time since meeting the giant, I actually hear a sigh of relief and a light smile spread across his rough face. He’s clearly happy, but a bit too happy that he almost forgets about us down there, and it’s only after Greezy screams again that the guy notices us and pulls us back to safety. The floor has never felt as sweet before as we sit there trying to catch our breath. The giant is now gone to meet up his girl downstairs, not even looking back to check if we are okay. Neighbors are still taking pictures of us and giggling all through at our predicament. To avoid anymore embarrassment, we get back to Greezy’s place and stay there to wait for the buzz to die out.
To all members of team Mafisi out there, never approach a hot lonely chic at a party, it’s a trap, and I repeat, it’s a trap. There’s always an Onyi somewhere waiting for you to mess up. But at least I am relieved that he didn’t kill me because I am now trying to look for Ken Wa Maria’s number tuchape collabo moto ya kikamba. So watch out for that, ooh na kama ni wewe uliniibia viatu zangu rudisha tu, I don’t have another pair tafadhali