Quit Calling me dear

Dear Safaricom, -and there is a very good reason why I just called you that- I think we need to talk. Am I really dear to you? No. I am not stupid. Today you go, “dear customer…” and the next day, “dear Sharon…” But you know what? I do not appreciate you calling me that especially since you do not really mean it. Let’s get real here. When do you call me that sweet name? All the time? Absolutely not. You only make me feel special only when you need something from me.
“Dear customer,” you go, “please pay your outstanding Okoa Jahazi debt before tomorrow 27/05/2016…” You even give me ultimatums! Look here, I know I owe you sometimes. I am a needy subscriber who chooses to utilise some of the few considerate services-with consequences, of course-you offer. Yet you will still harass me, “dear customer, pay your M-shwari balance of KES 500 before tomorrow…” You just won’t understand. You won’t even do this poor desperate consumer a little favour and extend her ‘safe days’. I do you a big favour every day, you know. Been doing it for seven years now. Oh! You are surprised? Let me enlighten you.
Every morning, I wake up with a chance to make the right choice. To run away with Airtel with his Unliminet promotions. To elope with Orange and all his free internet bundles. Sadly, I choose to stick with you, to stand by you every single day! But you never stop. “Dear customer, your daily data bundles are almost depleted. Please check your balance…They are now completely finished, please buy them again…log in to www.safaricom.com and check out our new amazing deals then promote us…it’s always about you. It’s always been about you!
Why do I never witness something like this, “dear customer, you have received Ksh.20 airtime from 713381204 at 13:05 am 14/05/2016?” Don’t you think I need that kind of support from you to get through the thought that my brother could send me only twenty shillings? I get it. You are not happy when something good happens to me but for Pete’s sake (who’s Pete anyway?) it’s just twenty freaking shillings! Not a hundred. Twenty. How mean can you get? Do you even know the significance of the word ‘dear’? Normally when somebody calls me that, my heart should do the happy dance. My butterflies should also dance and jump around and refuse to settle. But do you know just how much now you give them second thoughts? How much you confuse them?  My poor little butterflies.
So now I hope we are clear. Safaricom, I do not like you. I really do not. I am pretty sure you must be wondering why then I called you our little interesting name. Simple. You do all these mean, heartless, heinous acts to me. To us. I am not the only one. Then you come back smiling and trying to be romantic. How about you go to hell?  How does that make you feel, Saf? How do you feel right now? Well, that’s how we feel everyday. Just way worse. So please, please, please never call me ‘dear’. Ever. I am one “dear” away from bursting with fury.
But I love M-pesa. M-pesa is awesome.